by Author Unknown
When I met my lover, I was hurting. My heart was deeply wounded and I was trying to mend my broken heart and crumbling marriage. My husband casually asked for my forgiveness and I obliged. We agreed to move on and to heal from the years of pain. I tried hard to erase the images I found on his video camera of the two of them heavy in the act of intimacy—and erase them from my thoughts. Images of her in our lovely home and around his friends. We agreed to not talk about it. That was the past. A mistake. It would not happen again. She was gone. Then I discovered a second video of them he kept and uploaded online for the world to see and how he had been contacting her.
When I met my lover, he was a friend first. He and I could talk for hours and I found myself being attracted to his soul, his aura and personality. He listened to me, gave me advice and was a positive light in my dim world. He was something I never had: soothing, intoxicating and therapeutic. I wanted more.
The mutual attraction was obvious. The talks turned into soft touches that I welcomed. He was gentle with me as if it was my first time. I melted underneath his touch. I was eager to please him in return and to memorize all the parts of his body. He made me feel wanted, desired, appreciated, special and like the most beautiful woman in the world. It was a perfect world for the brief encounters we had. I craved for more. My circumstances at home forced me to cease the affair, but I could not get him out of my mind and out of my heart. I could feel him around me although we hadn’t spoken. There was an indescribable connection that we shared.
The wife in me still holding out hope that our marriage can heal from the disconnect. We have history, we have a family, we have familiarity. The woman in me is still eager to be free again and in the arms of my lover — laughing, unpretentious, authentic.
Months after the affair abruptly ended, he reached out again and the memories of what we shared overwhelmed me. I told him that finding closure has been difficult and I still cared for him. I still struggle with how my heart feels and the rationalizations of my mind—logic. (Emotions versus Facts). I know that being in his presence will surely make me want to touch him again, yet I want to establish something I never had in my marriage: trust. I am at a standstill.
I understand that people come into one’s life for a reason, a season and for a lifetime. I have questions that I have to answer for myself, yet afraid to realize what the answers may be.